I'll be nice cause I can't stand you.
I don't really have many meaningful relationships with people. I interact with people mostly due to economic circumstances (cashiers, customers, waiters, mailman, etc). That's about it. Most of the time I'm alone. There are some people that think I fall under the category of "friend" with them, but these people never did anything amazing for me and are never around when I feel like shit. I'm only their friend when it's convenient, whether it was back in school when they wanted to copy my papers or now when they just want me to give them money so they can score some crack, fucking junkies. Yep, I'm somebody's friend whenever it's convenient for them...but never for me.
There are morons that act like we're soul mates if we happen to like the same obscure movies and bands. Seems like they don't like me though, they just like the shit I buy. They just have a fascination with what I own and all that materialistic bullshit. There is no strong connection with these people beyond some collection. The deepest discussion they can ever get with me is about some movie getting a special edition re-release on HD DVD, as if all of existence revolves around being nothing but a money-wasting consumer for such pathetic movies. These people wouldn't care if I died, they'd just wonder what would happen to all the shit I bought over the years...probably trying to figure out who's going to get it. They need to make a distinction between liking what I own and liking who I am. There is a quote from a Bergman movie; "I could always live in my art, but never in my life." I relate to that quote and feel like my art is the real me. None of these fucks appreciate my art though; they would buy the millionth re-release of some shitty slasher before they spent a cent on a comic I really dedicated myself to. I've made some good friends with people that I initially met because of cult film and death metal appreciation, but that's still a super rare thing. In general these movie/music people are fun to chat with about movies, but besides that, there's nothing between us, toe me they're just someone that coincidentally consumes the same products I do and I know they feel the same way about me. I also do get bored easily with the people that just wanna talk to me to get some more "gore sick horror movie" recommendations or the people that like to only namedrop a million different underground bands to me as if they're trying to brag about how more underground metal they are, such empty discussions.
Old classmates from school (the few that actually remember me, I was and always will be a nobody to most of them) are nice to me whenever we bump into each other. I'm surprised about half of 1% of them even remember my name. They're usually just interested in what I'm doing for a living now though. Seems like they just want to know so they can compare their life with my pathetic existence in order to feel better about themselves, it's not because of a genuine interest in my well-being.
Family don't count as friends, they just happen to be related to me.
Maybe my definition of friend is really narrow and fucked, but it seems I hardly have any friends pretty much. I don't know that many people that I'd make sacrifices for, confide in, and vice versa (those are things friends do right?). I don't celebrate anything with anyone. I don't talk to someone in my free time with a cup of coffee or a beer. I just don't. I only know people that will be nice to me if we cross paths just so they can get through the day. I could confront these people with a rant about how insincere I think they are, but I don't, I too just want to get through the day as painlessly as possible. Just because we're not friends doesn't mean we have to be enemies. I take what I can get and move on. I don't need that many friends, I just need to get through the day in one piece, avoiding confrontations so I could go home and be an antisocial masturbator like in that GG Allin song (story of my life). If you really hate people, you'll act nice to them so they'll walk away with no hard feelings and leave you the hell alone.
So basically, I think I've reached a point in my life where I'm so cynical that I'm cynical about being cynical. Yeah I do know a lot of people are phony when they're being nice to me and they don't give a shit about me. But so what? Enjoy the ride I say. Milk their phoniness for all its worth. Hey, it's better to benefit from someone being phony instead of having them confront you with the sick ugly truth of the world. Them choosing to be phony was nice of them too anyways. They're willing to face the shit of the world and smile in front of it even though they want to cringe. I admire that patience, no matter how "phony" it is. I'll admire it as long as they don't have ulterior motives and won't decieve me in order to fuck me over in the end. But if it's just a little "hi how are you doing?" or "what's up", there's no use of being angry over their insincerity. I know majority of people that mutter that nonsense don't care about how I'm really doing, but it was kind of them to try being friendly, so I'll just play along and say "good" to keep society in order. From the random guy on the street that asks how I'm doing just out of habit and to the dumbass at the door of Best Buy that says "sup" just to get a paycheck, their "friendliness" is welcomed and I welcome it with an equally contrived "GREAT!” That's how it works in the real world. Anyone that tries to fight it must have way too much time on their hands to be taking on such pointless battles and needs to get the fuck over themselves and their big cliché anticonformist ego. Back when I worked in a fast food place, I always hated those types that would try to resist my contrived greetings. It's like they thought they were better than me with their principles, but their principles could suck my balls, fucking pricks.
All these misanthropic Holden Caulfield-wannabe loser types that refuse to accept contrived kindness are really missing out on a lot of stuff because they have some high and mighty sense of pride. Whatever, their loss. I'll make out like a bandit while you proud cynics act like a grumpy asshole. Asses like you don't deserve getting cool shit by just playing along with society's counterfeit kindness anyways.
If you ever cross my path, no matter if you're a really good guy or the biggest
dickhead, I'll be nice, because meeting people is all about putting on a show
and ending that show before some serious shit hits the fans.
contact: joseangeles AT muchomail.com