Blood Beat (1985) Dir by Fabrice A. Zaphiratos, Clip 1, Clip 2 : Well after all these years, I finally got a copy of Bloodbeat in my hands..and it's probably the cheeziest thing I've ever owned! It really had a Don Dohler (Nightbeast, Alin Factor) feel with the bad 80's lazer effects all over the place and 80's b-movie sound effects (they sound like Atari). The samurai ghost slasher was surrounded by blue light rays and people would shoot telepahtic lazer beams or whatever at it. You have to see this to believe it. The "telepathic lazer" battle reminds of Boarding House but the way the people move and the look on their faces is even more insane! It looked like they were pissed off while having a siezure, hah, is that even possible? Gore level is dissapointing but the Samurai breathing like Darth Vader and talking like a lamb makes up for it. The best part of the movie is when everything in a kitchen starts shaking then flies at this one guy, he gets attacked by a packet of Ramen noodles hahaha. A super awesome cheesefest. What makes it even better is you can tell this was a serious effort to make a creepy supernatural flick but the retarded everything overpowers any legitimacy!GORE = 3 SHIT = Trashiest Cheesefest DEATH = to you!

Boarding House aka Housegeist (1981) Dir by John Wintergate: Damn this movie is garbage! Everything about it is awfully shitty. And there in lies its beauty. This was one of the early Shot-on-Video horror movies and it’s amazing in its amateurish nonsensical failures. The winning elements are a random pie fight, a wealth of tits and ass, tacky schlock gore with some guts, primitive computer text with a laughable sound as each sentence is typed, weird telepathic meditations, and a spectacular ending that just drips with cheese every second cause it involves that telepathy thing to fight a ghost with nice tits. Story involves a haunted house now inhabited by some ultra-sleazeball that does weird meditations and only wants a couple top-notch chicks as roommates in the house. Some stupid stuff happens throughout the movie (a rape flashback where everyone still had their clothes on) then all of a sudden later in the video they’re ready to have a party (which will take part in the end where all hell breaks loose of course).GORE = 7 SHIT = awfully awesome sleaze, cheese, and trash DEATH = to you

Bone Sickness (2004) Dir by Brian Paulin: I haven’t seen this much gore in a movie since Braindead….maybe that’s a bit of an overstatement, but still this is gory. I wouldn’t be surprised if the movie’s excuse was to show off gore. The gore looks fake and cheesy but that’s the fun of it. Anyone that bitches about how it looks like Jell-O needs to stop watching so many high budget movies and quit expecting so much from the small time filmmakers that put so much effort into their stuff (I read somewhere it took years to finish this thing). Of course the gore looks fake. If you want to see realistic gore than watch a surgery. I love how the blood just squirts around ridiculously and that there are guts being ripped out from left to right. The good long gore sequence in the end is what makes this movie worthwhile. I’d have been disappointed otherwise since the story is a horrible soap opera (I won’t even bother going into detail about it, all you have to know is this movie is only good for the gore, a very superficial reason) and there was something about ultra-pathetic looking goblins that I wanted to claw my eyes out when I saw such a shitty idea happen. I wouldn’t say the story was boring, it kept the movie flowing and I was able to sit through it, but that’s just cause I have a high tolerance level for awful generic soap operas. Sure I ‘hate’ generic soap opera stories, but I can ‘tolerate’ them, there is a difference, you’d know that if you watched that one episode of South Park. And just because I didn’t get bored doesn’t mean I enjoyed it. It was still cringe inducing. The film quality looks like a softcore porno you could find on Showtime late at night and there’s even one pointless masturbation scene where some blonde chick starts rubbing herself, not as sleazy as it sounds, comes off more as something from Girls Gone Wild instead of something off a classic sexploitation flick. Yeah…so pretty much all there is to look forward to in this thing is the mindless violence that takes up quite a huge bulk of the film actually. More conservative gore fans will hate the gore under this modern amateur look though. Beyond the gore, it’s one of those “nu-amateur” movies that could have easily been as gay as all the other lame direct to video horror movies saturating Blockbuster shelves with their CGI/photoshopped covers these days. The shittiness is not even funny cheese, just really REALLY bad and painful incompetence. GORE = 666 SHIT = Really bad trash DEATH = to movie

Bread and Circus (2003) Dir by Martin Loke, Screenshot: This movie plays out a lot like Bad Taste. It takes place mostly in grassy fields where people are running around killing each other until someone is left bloody and butchered. The gore, like Bad Taste, is exaggerated, gross, over-the-top, and comical. One guy gets sliced in half with a sword and his guts spill out so this one guy can find his keys. There are other sliced humans where you can see all their red gooey insides. Heads are left wide open so blood and mushy gore can gush. This other dude drop kicks some guy onto a tree branch so he can get impaled and his cartoon-ish heart pops out. Another guy gets kicked in the ass while taking a shit. When his ass bleeds, he sticks a beer bottle up his ass (you see it get painfully shoved up) to stop the bleeding. Suddenly he gets thirsty again and shits the bottle out to drink. Hell there’s even an alien in this movie and it involved a space-ship that cums into mother (literally “mother”) earth’s vagina (a vagina that people pop out of in the movie). But unlike Bad Taste, Bread and Circus tackles deeps concepts such as identity and freedom. Apparently life moves like an assembly line in the movie. Mother earth plops you out and then you’re just left to fill some cookie-cutter standard of living where you walk across a path with arrows, have a brief case handcuffed to you, work for people richer than you, and then roll over dead one day in a world that was run by some old guy with a crown that has the army to keep you in track. People who are deemed undesirable for society are left in the woods where cannibalism takes place. One guy who lived this boring life wrote some radical, ten commandment-like shit, on some stone tablets. Years later a couple reads these words of wisdom and are inspired to start a violent revolution. They find a fuckload of weapons and start killing tons of people in the system including the unjust king and even one guy that looks like Eminem! The kill spree goes on for a long time until the end. This movie could be enjoyed on two levels: as a mindless splatterfest or a mindful splatterfest. Depends if you can pick up the subtle metaphors and make sense of the scenes that seem like random weirdness to casual viewers. GORE = 666 SHIT = Good cheesy trash with some sleaze DEATH = to you